After turning 45, the lens in which I have viewed life had truly changed. Almost as though a light switch went on. As I looked around, I realized I was working hard for happiness in all the wrong ways.
I am married to my best friend. Truly. That is not me simply saying that because he's my husband and it's the "right" thing to say. I married my best friend. From the moment I met JD, I knew he & I would be together forever. We started a friendship, brought together by the grace of mutual friends, and I instantly felt at home with him. He got me ...that is not an easy thing to do! At that time in my life, and throughout my teens, I typically kept people at bay. Allowed them in so far and then pushed them away. I had a lot of baggage and I carried it with me everywhere. Wore it like a badge of dishonor. With JD, I was able to authentically be myself - all of the good, bad, and ugly pieces - and despite it all, he loved me anyway.
I work really hard at things in my life. I think in part that has to do with the fact that I am a child of divorce. Not that I'm blaming the divorce, but it certainly pushed me to work hard. To prove myself. Prove myself strong. Worthy. I am someone who is very flawed. I am imperfect. I have been broken more times than I choose to recall in my life, BUT I will not allow that to be an excuse to stay put or to prevent myself from leveling up.
In 2011, life as I knew it changed drastically. As I've written about previously, in 2011, my grandmother passed away. What you need to understand about my relationship with my grandmother - first, I was her only granddaughter (so as you can imagine, we had a VERY special relationship) and second, she was my compass growing up. She always knew how to keep me on course. She did so with with a firm, yet gentle hand. She spoke truth and gave confidence to me every time I needed it. She reminded me daily to "be a leader, not a follower." Her loss was felt, deep! I changed after her passing, in a way I could not put into words. I was not able to express it because it truly was a loss I had never experienced before. That loss, the coming to terms with the fact that my compass was no longer with me (physically) was a long, unfolding process.
In 2018, I had this awakening of sorts. I realized that the way out of this cloud was to simply move forward!! I had been frozen for so long, but I could no longer wade in this limbo. Sad about the loss of my grandmother. I started reading personal development books, tried therapy, and then began working with a life coach. All of this happened progressively, not back to back like domino's falling. This awakening and progressive unfolding continues today.
In addition to what was happening with me, in late 2019, our family decided to sell our family home and move. The home where we grew our family. The home we brought both of our boys home from the hospital. The home we hosted countless holidays, created traditions, celebrated birthdays, laughed, cried, yelled 🤫, lived 15 years of our lives. A little background on this ... in May 2019, as we sat down to dinner as a family, our oldest son put down his fork and looked at JD & I and said, "I'm not going back to that school next year." The table went quiet. JD & I looked at each other and then at D and asked, "what are you talking about?" Truth be told, in my heart I knew what he was talking about, but needed him to say exactly what he was feeling. Our oldest is a kind & gentle young man, who has ADHD. This does not define him! However, ADHD has caused him (at times) to stand out and not always in positive ways. He had a rough middle school experience. School was tough enough academically, the increase in work & content required more focus from D. The ability to focus is something that D struggles with (due to his ADHD). Aside from academics, D struggled socially. Something we thought would not be a struggle for him. He is kind, generous, funny, and an athlete. Unfortunately, despite all of his qualities, D learned not everyone embraced what made him different. What made him unique. For a good two years, he was picked on in school ...and in his words, "they either make fun of me or ignore my existence." As a mom, this broke my heart! Kids are cruel, but how do you explain to your child that it is more about the person being an a$$hole than it is about him?! We tried working with the school and continued reminding this beautiful boy that his critics DO NOT COUNT! We thought things were getting better, only to find out that evening that he stopped telling us things that were happening because he didn't want to make us upset. US! He didn't want to make us upset. At that very moment, I looked at JD and said that's it, we're out! We're selling the house & moving! The four of us made the decision that night. We put the house on the market & moved. We moved a mere town over, but it was enough to make a difference. A big difference for both of our boys!
As the 2020 New Year ball dropped and I kissed JD and two beautiful boys Happy New Year ... we were ringing in a NEW school, NEW town, and NEW decade. I looked at JD and said, "this year will be my second act!" I meant it. I mean it. I am living it today! 2020 was (is) my opportunity to reset, restart, refocus, and readjust as I feel necessary. What I didn't expect (I know, no one did really) was a global pandemic that would "shut down the world." This pandemic was happening smack in the beginning of MY second act. I mean, what the f&%k! I had my moment of "why is this happening to me." Only to have my compass send me a sign to help shift my perspective & find the silver lining. I started using this time (quarantine) to identify my purpose. Recognize my worth. Align my goals and decisions to move myself forward in a positive and impactful way. I stopped looking at my end goal, but started breaking things down into smaller bites.
I spent 15 years working as a HR professional. When I became a mom, I continued to work, but soon realized it was necessary for me to be home, especially after my second son was born. My oldest had the pleasure, for his first three years, to be with my grandmother before she got sick. It was while working my last corporate HR job that I realized I needed to change how things were at home. What was unfolding was a life I did not want. In my last corporate role, I was a HR Manager/Business Partner. I worked directly with the VP of Sales and was the HR liaison for the entire NE Sales team. This role required me to travel about half of every month. With two young boys (5 & 3) and only home half of every month ... I was missing everything! Worse, it was wearing on my marriage. My career was moving up but my family, my home life was suffering in the process. Sure, I could have changed jobs and moved into another HR management role that required less travel and maybe less time, but it wouldn't change the fact that I had this internal need to be home with my boys. I made the decision to leave Corporate America. A decision I have not once regretted!
That said, while I have loved every moment being home with my boys, in the process I started losing my identity. Something that had nothing to do with my sons or my husband. I wrapped myself up in their lives so much that I forgot to continue to create one for myself. Suddenly I woke up and I was 40, as stay at home mom, but what else was I?! I started correlating my self-worth with the title I held (or didn't hold). Kept comparing myself to other women I knew who, I felt, were "doing better" than me. Suddenly I was kicking myself for being a stay at home mom, as if this wasn't a choice that I made or a choice I was happy to have made. But I think this happens to many women. To quote Diane von Furstenburg; "You know, there's a thing about the woman across the room. You see the woman across the room, you think, She's so poised; she's so together. But she looks at you and you are the woman across the room for her."
I am a work in progress. Changing day to day. Making my mistakes. Learning. Embracing my failures. I know that my worth is not defined by my title (wife, mom, HR professional, etc) but by my talent.
As I mentioned above, over the past couple of years and especially since March (2020), I have really sat down with myself and taken a deeper look at what I want next, my second act. I love teaching, training, and helping other women feel good about themselves. I want to be the COMPASS for those that need help & direction. Creating my coaching program has been the highlight of any career endeavor I have ever had to date, including every corporate accolade ever received. As I continue to develop and expand my program, I look forward to the opportunity to work with you!
xo, paige
Comments